Brangelina Lives!
It turns out that the ‘news’ about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt breaking up was just a successful attempt to get attention by a newspaper. This shocking revelation has sent shockwaves through the online gossip community who are enraged about the juiciest of celebrity gossip turning out to be untrue.
Gossipers and ill-wishers are extremely disappointed to see the most famous couple in the World living happily with their growing family of adoptive children.
The reports of their breakup were originally publicized through the News of the World website. The rumor was then picked up and reported by numerous online ‘news’ outlets. As is to be expected, the story generated a fair amount of advertising revenue for all the sites who reported it. Additionally, the schadenfreude that welled up will undoubtedly deflate, leaving millions of people unhappy. Gossipmongers and their audience are said to be devastated at the news of Brad and Angelina’s storybook life together.
Despite all the commotion caused by Brad and Angelina remaining a loving couple, the hope is that sooner or later another celebrity tragedy will trigger mass euphoria. Though, most experts agree that any such tragedy is unlikely rival the Brangelina rumor.
What most detractors and Apple haters are calling a bicycle is in fact the most revolutionary offering since the iPad. The iPed is Apples first foray into the ‘green’ market, and Steve Jobs has yet again been able to lead the development of a product that is going to be as ubiquitous as the mobile phone or Starbucks.
The revolutionary iPed enables the owner to use stored energy attained from food, and food-like substances to power the vehicle and go virtually anywhere (given enough time). Some quotes from early testers which consisted mainly of ‘Early Adopters’ (Apple fanboys) are raving about the upcoming release.
“It’s like riding on air…air that has been encased in a rubber tube.” –John Volker
“The interface is extremely intuitive. You just turn the wheel in the direction you want it to go, and bam, you are moving in that very direction!” –Nicole Whistler
“I can travel in a seated position. Pedaling to my destination is a minor price to pay for the comfort of being seated.” –Robert Price (Segway owner)
No pricing has been set but technology experts expect to see a price of $2499.00 for the 20GB version, which will allow the owner to stream up to 300 hours of music. The power for the media capabilities for the iPed is provided by the generator which is said to increase the effort necessary to propel the iPed forward by only 80%.
1. You spend most of your time online correcting spelling errors without ever contributing anything substantive to the conversation.
2. You ask for the manager when you realize the $0.99 soup you ordered doesn’t live up to your standards.
3. You comment on Facebook status updates before reading the entire post.
4. You keep complaining about how there is nothing to watch on TV, yet the only programs you do watch are COPS and Dr. Phil.
5. You are Dr. Phil.
6. You are on Jersey Shore (the TV Show, or the actual place for that matter)
7. You wear sunglasses indoors, and at night.
8. Your pants are on the ground.
9. There is no room in your trunk because it is full of speakers.
10. You drive a $100k car but never have enough money to get a full tank of gas.
The Sarcasmist would like to urge all of its supporters who read this blog post to donate money to the Haitian rescue and help efforts. The Sarcasmist got this idea from the numerous celebrities and entertainers who are selflessly joining telethons and holding benefit concerts and asking other people to send money. The biggest of these benefit concerts is to be held is expected to generate millions of dollars for the Haiti disaster. Over 40 celebrities are expected to attend. These selfless entertainers are taking time away from their busy schedules to organize and attend a concert/telethon which will provide them a forum to ask ordinary people to donate their money.
Most experts agree that time is of the essence, but putting on a huge show like this costs money and time so the best that could be done was to have concert 8 days after the calamitous natural disaster hit. Admittedly it would have been much faster if the 40+ celebrities had just donated their own money and not spent hundreds of thousands (if not millions) setting up a benefit concert, but this would have robbed the common people from being able to donate while enjoying a good show.
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If you’d rather provide timely help, why not pick one of the options below?
http://www.google.com/relief/haitiearthquake/
http://www.oxfam.org/haitidonate
Apparently some company in Michigan (the place best known for…you guessed it, sarcasm) has gone through the arduous task of creating the sarcasm mark, and offering a computer program (for $1.99) to provide the ability to use the holy grail of punctuation, the ‘SarcMark’. It’s apparently a half closed circle with a dot in the middle (very nice ¡!).
“Statements have the period. Questions have the question mark. Exclamations have the exclamation mark. When you see the newest punctuation mark for sarcasm, you’ll know the writer of that sentence doesn’t literally mean what they’re writing; they’re being sarcastic,” Sarcasm Inc. said in a release.
Good job guys! Your selfless act will pay for itself at $1.99 at a time. I am sure it wouldn’t have been possible to use something like ‘¡!’ instead (something that is freely available, which everyone should start using, by the way).
This new development should help all the people who think that the epitome of sarcasm is saying “Nice job!” to punctuate all their sarcastic gems with the sure to be epic SarcMark.
