’)Upon finishing the “Fat. It’s What’s For Breakfast.” post I turned on the Criterion DVD of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and was so inspired by the psychotropic exploits of Dr. Gonzo and Raoul Duke that I downed eight Jimmy Dean sausage beers in the space of thirty-eight minutes and woke up to find that my heart had crawled out of my chest and was hiding from me in the microwave, waving a cell phone and begging 911 for a restraining order—or to use the colloquial term, I had an “out-of-body experience.”
After threatening my heart with the microwave’s highly explosive “Potato” cooking function, it agreed to once more inhabit my chest, provided I ate no more Jimmy Dean sausages and switched off the movie. No longer distracted by the film’s vertigo-inducing cinematography, I noticed that the “The Sarcasmist” surrey was gone. (Oh, I forgot; nobody bothered to see the Bruce Willis movie Surrogates this past week. A surrey is a robotic body you control with your mind. And don’t bother seeing Surrogates. It’s boring, and Ving Rhames has a fake beard that looks like it was made from a buffalo’s pubic hair.) Someone had also filled up the TiVo with C-SPAN healthcare coverage.
No TiVo, no surrogate. Dammit. I thought about getting another surrogate for the day, but the only one they had available, oddly enough, was the Arby’s Oven Mitt (remember him?), and I was afraid if I walked around as Oven Mitt I’d get “propositioned.” (Last I saw of him, Oven Mitt was hanging out behind a Le Cordon Bleu culinary arts school in Jersey offering handjobs in exchange for roast beef and cooking lessons—and to answer your next question, yes, smartass, I took him up on it. It was the best handjob I’ve ever received from someone named Mitt. Sorry, ex-Governor Romney; you have weak wrists and your palms just don’t have that erotic waffle weave texture.)
But you know what they say: when life gives you lemons, throw lemons at life. I decided that instead of watching ass-thumbing senators on C-SPAN and hopelessly searching the kitchen for an oven mitt, I’d look into the movies that will be opening this Friday, strictly as a public service to all of you dolphin-hugging humanitarians. You’re welcome.
Capitalism: A Love Story – Directed by Michael Moore, Starring Michael Moore
The self-satisfied purr of a Michael Moore voiceover is the sort of noise I’d imagine a cat making if cats could masturbate. And really, we all know the real title of this film should be Myself: A Love Story.
A Serious Man – Directed by Ethan Coen & Joel Coen, Starring Michael Stuhlbarg, Richard Kind, Sari Lennick
It’s pretty much impossible for me to say anything bad about two guys who came up with the term “league of morons.” See Burn After Reading if you haven’t already.
Zombieland – Directed by Ruben Fleischer, Starring Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, Woody Harrelson
This actually looks kind of awesome—though there’s already a place called Zombieland, except everyone but me calls it Disneyland.
Whip It – Directed by Drew Barrymore, Starring Ellen Page, Drew Barrymore, Kristen Wiig
It stars Ellen Page and it’s about roller derby. However, it’s directed by Drew Barrymore, which means this will be about as dark and edgy as eating Lucky Charms without milk.
