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Reason Behind Michael Jackson Cosmetic Surgeries Finally Revealed

Written by The Sarcasmist on October 29, 2009 - Comments (34)

michael-jacksonMichael Jackson still manages to grab headlines, pushing to the background less important topics such as the biggest recession since the Great Depression, or the fact that our law makers are infighting morons that can’t get a grip on their self-serving motives as they butcher any chance of healthcare reform. This latest headline about Jackson is no less interesting than the countless stories aired by CNN and other paragons of world-class journalism.

It has been revealed, by sources unnamed, that the numerous and painful cosmetic surgeries that Michael Jackson went through were motivated by the desire to recapture his glory from the Thriller music video by trying to permanently look like his Thriller character. But it didn’t end there, the shrewd businessman that he was (Never mind his crushing debt. That was just part of his genius–let them collect money from him now) Michael Jackson didn’t waste money on plastic surgery to only look cool, he was also using his increasingly grotesque features to try and scare away Joe Jackson who was constantly trying to scam money off of him.

With his relentless pursuit of these goals, Michael Jackson had alienated most of Hollywood since other celebrities had to wait for months to get their cosmetic surgery done due to the overwhelming demand for plastic surgeons generated by Jackson–almost every practicing plastic surgeon in Southern California was usually working on him on a daily basis.

He continues to enchant us with his life story. We simply cannot wait to find out what is next in the Michael Jackson saga.


  1. fucking retarded

  2. That is amazing! :) I love reading these whenever a new one is created!

  3. this would be funnier had he not been dead and it not ended with, “He continues to enchant us with his life story. We simply cannot wait to find out what is next in the Michael Jackson saga.”

    • bc, I think that’s where the sarcasm was to be found, I know I’m breathless with anticipation (insert sarcastic tone here)

  4. I must agree to: would have been funnier if he wasn’t dead. Even funnier would have been a column about retards Joe and Jermaine Jackson smiling and behaving like superstars at the premier of their dead family member… good grief… talkin grief.. where was it?
    Thank god there are some people with common sense, like Bavarian Oktoberfest tent owner Mr. Kraetz, who denied Joe Jackson his request to book a table at the Oktoberfest simply because he should moan isntead of partying. You Rock!

  5. is eveyone even those who acctualy dont like the fact his corpse is basicaly paraded around on show forgot he used to touch up kids?

    • KI, the question here is? did he… ?? and if he did, why does noone blame the PARTENTS of these children for taking money instead of getting the guy prosecuted????

    • Ki, you are yet another intelligent, well read soul arent you! BOTH of the children (one of whom is now an adult) have come forward saying their parents made them lie for money. The elder of the two even went so far as to make a complete dick of ones self by crying and stating “Now I will never get the chance to tell him how sorry I am.” on international television. So, in answer to you ridiculous question, nobody has forgotten, just been more informed.

    • Yes, Lisa, not checking sources and believing whatever some random blogger writes truly define an intelligent and well-read individual.

      I strongly encourage you to answer more of these ‘ridiculous questions’ in the same fashion. It makes for great entertainment.

  6. Meh, pretty poor but everyone is allowed an “off” day

  7. stupid…just wasted 5 minutes of my pointless day away

  8. Kudos. Another on-the-button commentary. I do so love reading your delightfully skewed opinions! The ONLY problem is that you dared take on “St. Michael.” We all know that rabid devotees of any deity are incapable of tolerating, let alone understanding, anything even remotely negative (no matter how correct) about their icon. So, the St. Michaelians will tell you how stupid you are and that you’re damned for not blindly following and bowing at the feet of their beloved savior: patron of child molesters, plastic surgeons and petrified primates.

  9. I mean he is dead. and if this story were aimed at poking fun at that death I would most likely be offended. However, I believe that the statement being made in this article is that our media is not doing its job, and just feeding meaningless information to the public. If you want to hear about Michael Jackson, you should be reading People, not watching CNN or Fox News (it’s common sense). Major props, Sarcasmist. And to the people who complained about insensitivity shame on you all.

  10. Mark Twain said, “Humor is tragedy, plus time,” and Max Eastman said, “Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully.” Michael Jackson’s story is fraught with pain and tragedy so it’s inherently darkly funny, but it may take time for people to feel like they have the distance they need to laugh. As for me, I laughed out loud at the bit about his having alienated Hollywood . :)

    I agree with “jj” above when it comes to Joe and Jermaine Jackson. Their behavior has been appalling. I’d love to see something aimed in their direction.

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