Forget the Acai berry diet. Forget the exercise machines; The Sarcasm Society has developed two new diets which require virtually zero investment and even less effort. As part of The Society’s humanitarian efforts, these two revolutionary diets are being offered at no cost to the public.
The ‘Chew & Spit’ Diet
As the name of the diet so clearly explains, instead of swallowing the food after mastication, you simply spit out all the nasty calories into a bucket (or napkin if you don’t want to invest in a spitting bucket). You will be able to enjoy all the taste without any of the negative side-effects.
Duct Tape Diet
As you clever ones might have already guessed the Duct Tape Diet utilizes duct tape to accomplish two things.
1. To temporarily close your mouth so you cannot gorge yourself.
2. To prevent you from removing the tape (unless you are extremely hungry) for fear of the excruciating pain that it’ll cause as it rips out all your upper lip hair.
Note: The Duct Tape diet is especially recommended for women since they’ll be able to both wax their upper lip and attain a desirable figure at the same time.
Brilliant!! Now if only my stubby blubber wings could reach far enough away from my body to grab a roll of duct tape, we’d be all set. Duct tape ftw!
OMG i can’t believe how ppl trust in diets… can’t they just eat less and move more?
Eating less is a diet…
You’re a fruit cake. You probably live in a gym or have never had weight issues.
People like you is why Obama is President.
Don’t be sad, bulldog501. It’s not your fault you’re fat. (And by the way I didn’t vote for Obama)
I believe it was a reference to novelty diets, having forgot the original definition
I’ve heard that the PRUNE DIET works just as effectively. Basically, it requires a weeks worth of prunes, duct tape, and a bib.
Step1: Don bib. Make sure it is well-fitted.
Step 2: Eat prunes in one sitting
Step 3: Duct tape mouth closed
Note: In cases of severe vomiting, use bib to catch remnants. Remember that they will be emanating from your nasal passages as your mouth is inop.
I lost 100 lbs this way, and then just stopped eating for a year.
Cheers!
THANK YOU, Yverne! Let’s also mention that no one needs to be a stick figure. Just be careful both ways.
Way too overweight BAD.
A little, so what!?
Sticks, yechh!
Just be healthy.
People that usually post about stick figures are usually overweight.
Just saying. ;)
wkfink why do you feel the need to try and belittle her? What does it get you? An inflated ego? Ooo! I insulted someone on the internet! I big man!
Seriously…grow up a little lol
And feel free to attempt to insult me as well…Yes I’m overweight, yes I could go out and loose it, but honestly I’m lazy and have no self discipline. Anything else you wanna take a stab at? :P
ya know… I get tired of ads that claim “continue your unhealthy lifestyle with none of the negative consequences!” isn’t there a pill for that?
Waist size and penis size are among my favorite targets for this pathetic mentality… my stock response to diet pills is: “…or you could just eat right and exercise regularly.” But who wants to do that? I mean, I don’t understand why a person can’t eat deep-fried twinkies all day long and sit on his ass and look like a model just because he wants to. I have some friends who are models and dancers and whatnot, and they spend hours (plural) a day in the gym to look like that. Hell, I could have abs like that too if I were 15 years younger and had spent 20+ hours a week in a gym lifting weights ever since I was five.
I believe that Dolly Parton has been on the chew and spit diet her entire life..I actually recall hearing her mention, in an interview about how she keeps her figure, that she chews but doesn’t swallow…sounds like a tease if you ask me.
Well thanx so much for clearing up the chew and spit diet. I was getting it all jumbled up with the duct tape diet. I would chew food then put the duct tape over my mouth, before I was able to spit. So that’s where I went wrong!
LMAO
The root of this problem is that everyone wants to please everyone ELSE and that’s why they try all sorts of bullshit methods to attain ‘the perfect body’. It’s all about bloody perception. Being obese or anorexic certainly calls for help, but otherwise, be happy with who you are and how you look, ffs!
But if the world looses all of its fat people who are the skinny people gonna land on when they fall off their soapboxes preaching about how to be this or that?
Yeah i know! it hurts like hell for us skinny people. :)
Can’t we just laugh at this?? Do we really need to insult each other??Take it for what it is…..FUNNY.
No joz fat people are gross and should be mocked and scorned till they cry and wanna be skinny like normal people. And anyone who disagrees with me is probably suffering from weight isusse themselves. LOL Im jk
They both sound so much easier than eating sensibly and getting some exercise…amazing nobody has thought of them before! I could have saved all that money and time I’ve wasted cooking good food, going to the gym…damn!!
Oooooooooooooorrrrrr you could do what I do:
“Hum, I feel a bit fat today . . . ”
Then I just don’t eat anything.
Lost 10 lbs in 2 days doing this.
Sadly, it’s quite difficult to stick to . . .
Hahahaha! I like how the article bashes the weight mentality. Both overeating and anorexia/bulimia need to be removed.
the duct tape diet has even more effect with women. They won’t eat so they won’t become fat, they will wax there upper lip when removing the dut tape, AND they WON’T make so much noice by not talking for a while.
=> Best diet ever
so really what this whole thing is getting at is, if you really want to loose weight, here is a lazy way to do it. Diets and all that stuff does not work invididually. You gotta do it all, or starve yourself.
Not making fun of fat people, or skiny people (I happy to be the latter), but really if your not happy with your weight, no need to attack anyone or make anyone else feel bad…just get up and do something about it…or quit bitching
I personally prefer the crystal meth diet, although I mostly just enjoy stealing cars.