1. You type ‘there’ when you mean ‘their’.
2. You press the already lit elevator button.
3. You get two pizzas, both half cheese and half pepperoni.
4. You get confused by the Starbucks cup sizes.
5. You think that cats are smart because they are aloof.
6. You are a self-professed vegetarian who eats fish.
7. You have a nervous breakdown when asked to not use the word ‘like’ so often.
8. You send out your resume on cute stationery.
9. You think you are saving money by buying things you don’t need during a sale.
10. You blame all your failures on anyone but yourself.
Sarcasm ahead!
10 Signs That You Might Be An Idiot
10 Signs That You Might Be An Idiot
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Useless Advice by the Sarcastic Sage
I hate it when people say something like:
“before my Mother died she told me this”.
What, like she may have told you that AFTER she died?
the person whose mother died might not have already told the other person their mother was dead. OR they might have meant on their deathbed.
Please do not use the word ‘like’ so often.
Barbara…actually, it’s quite possible and common for someone to deliver a message AFTER they pass! Sometimes those are the BEST messages.
oops there is the “like” thing LOL just pulling your leg, I push the lit elevator button all the time. ;-)
When people say that, I always want to ask, “How long before she died did she say that? Seconds? Minutes? Weeks? Years?” Because if it wasn’t minutes or seconds before death, the impact isn’t the same. I mean, she could have said that back in 1965 at a backyard barbeque and you just overheard it. It’s just not the same. If you’re gonna make statements like this, you better get your dates straight.
I also dislike the excessive use of like. I’ve even heard people use the following type of construction “I like things like raspberry jam”. Well, give that a raspberry.
Number 11. You write stationary when you mean stationery.
Prove it! (fixed)
HAHA!
Priceless!!!!
You wrote “write” when you meant “wrote”.
Actually, having used “write” rather than “wrote” was proper English. The sentence was written in the present tense (You write stationary when you mean stationery), not the past tense (You wrote stationary when you meant stationery). The post was meant to be an addition to the list, not just a correction. =)
I found that both a teacher of English as a Second Language and the person in charge of Stationery at a local college here in Birmingham, UK, used stationary when referring to stationery. Somehow, a good symbol of the degrading of education standards under socialism in Britain.
You split infinitives, as in the phrase, “…when asked to not use…”
NICE!
If you don’t realize that split infinitives are perfectly acceptable, if rare, constructions and instead hold to the notion that they are grammatically incorrect.
The split infinitive rule is a throw-back to the 1500’s when grammarians did everything in their power to get English grammar to emulate Latin grammar. In Latin, you see, you CANNOT split an infinitive because the infinitive was attached to the verb.
Let’s take Spanish as an example. “He is going (to talk) to her.” (infinitive in paranthesis). “Va a hablar con ella.” Hablar means “to talk”. The “ar” at the end of the verb is an infinitive that cannot be removed in this sentence. “Va a habl con ella ar” comes off as complete nonesense.
English, however, is not a Latinate language like Spanish, but rather a Germanic language. Because our “infinitive [sic]” is not attached physically, it can be “split”; the meaning will be quite clear to native speakers.
There, they’re, their…idiots!
Very cute/funny/correct!
You actually read this list to see if you passed the test. If you’re still reading this comment then you definitely are!!
#6 annoys me SOOOO MUCH
You’re NOT a vegetarian, you ass, you’re a PESCATARIAN
Don’t make me KILL you
/rant
Or Vegetarians who value the lives of animals so much more than humans that they threaten to kill other humans. That is all.
What I hate so bad, is my boyfriends ex-wife who claims she is a vegitarian, and then eats places like KFC and McDonalds. It buggs so bad when I hear her tell her kids that they shouldn’t eat an animal because there life is just as precious as ours while she is eating a bacon cheeseburger. So we have come up with a name for people like her. Pickiterian.
Eating fish is vegetarian? What tree do they think fish grow on?
…or self-righteous vegetarians who wear leather shoes, jackets, etc!
kt, you wrote there when you meant their……
Some vegetarians abstain from meat for environmental reasons. Factory farming is leaving terrible scars on the environment and yields little food for all the energy that is put into creating it. Leather is biodegrable and is much more durable than cotton or hemp.
#6 says ’self-professed vegetarian, meaning the idiot in question calls themselves a vegetarian, when they are, in fact, a pescEtarian (emphasis on the correct spelling). this is what makes them an idiot, rather than the creator of this list. misspelling ’stationery’ is what makes the list’s creator an idiot ;)
thanks for playing!
Yo! Plants have feelings too. Besides plants never intentionally harm humans like animals do.
It’s as though fish have it coming, but cows don’t. Must be the blank look in their eyes.
Every eaten fish is a life lost for just one meal. A cow can feed a family for days, if not weeks!
11) The author of this list becomes an idiot by default for misspelling the word “stationery”.
12) You feel superior by catching a spelling error.
HAHAHAHAHA. awesome #12.
hahahha suck ;)
You constantly correct someone on common grammatical errors that no one actually payed attention to in English class, like “Splitting Infinitives.”
paid*
payed.. haha
You get bent when someone ends a sentence with a preposition, as if that’s worth paying attention to. You probably also say “between you and I” because you think it sounds superior.
Didn’t you know a preposition is a terrible thing to end a sentence with? Also, if you claim rules don’t matter just because you didn’t pay attention in English class.
paid
Been There – especially idiotic when the person who feels superior doesn’t realize the phrase ‘between you and I’ is incorrect and should be ‘between you and me’.
The half cheese half pepperoni is hilarious…
Other signs…
Selling your car for gas money…
Recipe for ice taped to your refrigerator…
When people say I’m half Italian, half Portuguese, half Native American
If a larger person says that, I always ask, “What about the last half?”
I always think the 3 halves thing is hilarious!
Maybe they were half joking?
Clearly the person is “half fast”. That’s the other half.
the punctuation belongs inside of the quote, not after it.
that was meant for jenna.
and barbara.
-You fail to use correct grammar, while insulting other’s grammar. *
-You don’t use capitals.
YES! Thank you!
actually, unless there is a sentence in quotations within a sentence, the punctuation goes on the outside of the quotation marks. (since everyone is bashing everyone else…..)
when you say, “Lets divide this into 3 halves!”
The author spelled “stationery” correctly.
StationERY is writing paper.
StationARY is when something doesn’t move, immobile. Who’s the idiot?
I actually did misspell it. I’ve since corrected the typo.
You can’t read a comment thread well enough to tell when something has been corrected.
I like the one that says “pressing an already lit elevator button.” That shits me so much. I want to slap people when they do that.
Or you watch the person on the other side of the crosswalk press the button for a “walk” signal and you still proceed to press it on your side.
Or you pull the cord on a bus to request a stop while the automated voice is announcing the next intersection… and frantically yank it half out of the rigging when the bell doesn’t sound until the announcement is done.
Or when the sign on the door says, “touch here to open” so you lean against the door while the vehicle is still in motion, then pound your fists on it because the motion detector can’t feel you pushing.
Didn’t you read that they had changed the original “stationary” to “stationery” and asked the first poster to prove that they had spelled it incorrectly?
13) You insult someone on a blog and actually expect it to mean something.
You think global warming is a evil liberal conspiracy.
You believe everything you’re told without thinking it through.
you should really check out Penn and Teller’s: Bullshit! season 6 episode 6 “Being Green”
they present the whole global warming thing well
You don’t realize that there are certain things in English that are not agreed upon. Such as whether punctuation belongs inside or outside the quotation marks. And then attempt to “correct” people on it in order to feel superior. Or you don’t realize that it’s actually okay to break several of the pedantic grammar rules you learned in high school.
Also, you feel the need to post messages pointing out the grammatical errors of others on an online thread. Yes, I mean me.
You ask how all the pictures fit in a flash drive. (True story)
Certain things in the English language are agreed upon. It is why you use the MLA format, and not only do your High school but also most College instructors (depending on the course) insist you use it. At the MLA convention each year, the English language is agreed upon. Join the group, go to the convention and perhaps you, too may help create the grammatically correct English instead of the vulgar, slang or vernacular. Yes, I am a bitch. Hate me.
There is still plenty of debate over the punctuation and quotation mark question.
Also, not everyone uses MLA.
All my college instructors insisted on APA format.
The school I attend requires APA format on everything.
No one else thought pezgirl’s comment was funny because it was so awfully written?
pezgirl247 – You’re right. There are a lot of things that are agreed upon. For example, I think we can all agree that “high” and “college” do not need to be capitalized since they’re not proper nouns the way you used them in your second sentence. The commas in your third sentence are a little suspicious, too.
I think we should start a convention of our own, anyone that wants to use a convention must state it before typing that way english teachers cant nit pick our typing.
True story. You rent a BluRay movie, when asked if you have a BluRay player, you say “yes.” Twenty minutes later, you come back and say it won’t play in your DVD player. You are asked again if you have a BluRay player and your response is “What is that?”
Haha! Now that’s some funny shit!
I love it. Good one, Sacramist. I own a Video Store. People think me strange for asking if they have a BluRay player and that is exactly why.
Merry Christmas. I love this blog..
Here’s a classic: You call tech support because the “cup holder” on your computer won’t work anymore.
Or, you call tech support to complain that your new computer doesn’t have a cup holder, only a slot.
At the risk of sounding daft, why would anyone expect there to be a cup holder on a computer? Maybe I’m out of the loop because I use an iMac…
I think they’re saying that people mistake the CD rom.. drawer thing, is in fact a cup holder. But some computers don’t have a .. drawer, just a slot that the you stick the CD in. Therefore, no ‘cupholder’.
Better yet, when you’re asked how many slices you want your pizza cut into, and you reply
“4, i dont think i can handle 6 slices”
You use loose when you are writing about when you lose something.
I was talking to my neighbor on the phone and he had to tell his grandson (called him by name) to put something down, I couldn’t hear what it was.
Then I asked him if his grandson was visiting LOLOLOLOL
I’m a maroon, an ignoranimous!
I’m a fan of this site on Facebook
Ha Ha Ha I have so done stuff like that before. The one my kids get me on, is when they get into a fight, and they get the smack and the “We dont hit” talk and the whole time they are just looking at me like…….”Duh, you just hit me.”
When getting to know new people they obviously want to know how old I am, siblings etc. Well having a twin sister, my all time favorite questioned asked, which has happened on more than one occasion, is “How old is she?”
Completely idiotic but funny as hell!
You tell people there aren’t any idiots in your family.
14) “And the lost _____ was in the last place I looked.” Duh, you always stop looking for something once you find it, ergo… the item will always be in the last place you looked. Or are stupid enough to keep looking for something after you’ve found it???
been there,
I don’t understand. Would you mind elaborating further upon your explanation?
HAHA! I love that one, although I have gotten in the habit of saying, “It was in the last place I would have thought to look.” Yes, I do lose things enough to make t a habit… But I ALWAYS find it!
I always find it in the last place looked, looking for something else entirely.
Grammatical errors have been bashed to death, but what that tells us is that the first sign that you’re an idiot is bad grammar in the written medium. (I mean if that’s your first impression of someone.) I, for one, have difficulty seeing past that. Grammar snob, fur sher.
I had a run in with an idiot that my sarcasm couldn’t be hidden. I went to Subway, asked for a salad. The girl asked me what I would like on it, I told her turkey, olives, etc. She stops, looks at me, and I swear, she says did you want lettuce with that? Um, no just give me a spoon, some dressing and crackers and I’ll be good!
I called ahead at the local subway and told them I wanted two BLTs with olives, mayo, and banana peppers. When I got there, I picked up my sandwiches and took them home. Once at home, I realized I had gotten bacon sandwiches with olives, mayo, and banana peppers. WTF?
I work at Subway, and some people don’t get lettuce on their salad. Also, some people prefer spinach, so I usually ask if they want lettuce, spinach, or both. Besides, customers at Subway seem to automatically assume that the person helping them is stupid, just because they work in fast food. We’re not all stupid, some of us just have to put ourselves through college. And it is so difficult to stand there and listen to some of the customers, without telling them how stupid/rude they are. Some rules to live by: If you’re ordering something, get off your damn phone. We don’t like trying to distinguish between what you’re saying to us, and what you’re saying to them. We also don’t like having to interrupt your conversation. In both instances, we are just trying to do our job, but you will probably act annoyed/angry. If you need to find out what someone else wants on their sandwich, write it down beforehand, don’t stand in line for 10 minutes and then call when we ask you want you want. Everyone, including the other customers, hates you. Also, we don’t have the prices memorized. Why do you expect us to turn around and look at the board, when you are already facing it. On that note, we don’t set the prices. We have no power, and no we can’t lower the price just for you. There are, oh so many more, but the cell phone thing is the worst of all.
To StevieRae -
People don’t neccesarily get lettuce and tomatoes on BLTs. We give you the vegetables you ask for. Why do you think you are so much more important that you need to call ahead, instead of waiting in line like everyone else? If you were in line, you would see your sandwich being made, and would be able to fix any mistakes.
Calling ahead doesn’t mean you feel superior to everyone else. It’s just that you don’t have the time to call ahead. If you only have a limited amount of time to eat, you don’t want to waste at least 10-15 minutes of it in a line waiting on all those idiots you previously referred to.
Then there are employees who get upset with you for not being able to read the board and asking how much stuff is.
Also, there are enough people who don’t realize that a BLT actually includes lettuce and tomato. Enough to make it worthwhile for the employees to assume that nobody does.
If you put in a phone order, then we make your sandwiches after we’ve taken care of all the customers waiting in line. So if you happen to come in and get your phone order immediatly, then you probably wouldn’t have had to wait in line anyway. And if it’s not ready, you have to wait anyway.
Sandwiches don’t come with specific vegetables. We put on what you want, and if you don’t tell us, we don’t put it on. There will always be the people who get angry when we automatically put on ‘recommended’ toppings. We can never please anyone, so we do exactly what you say. Nowhere in the handbook does it say to automatically put certain toppings on sandwiches.
I too work at subway, and I’m so sick of arrogant ass-hat idiots like you that I would not have even asked you if you wanted lettuce, but just gone ahead and put exactly what you asked for on your damn salad.
A “salad” by definition does not need lettuce, it is just a mixture of different foods, and I for one do order my salads with no lettuce… yes I get weird looks, I’m okay with it.
This is for all those ’smart’ people working at Subway: A BLT is by definition bacon, lettuce and tomatoes, so, yes, it DOES actually come with lettuce and tomatoes or its NOT a BLT! Please get a modicum of an education before you preach to others.
Kat, do your customers often get the urge to punch you in the face?
You tell ‘em, Kat! Arrogant people make me furious.
You are doing your job as you were trained to do it. It’s interesting how critical some people can be when they have no clue. They’ve never done the job, don’t know what your boss expects, but yet they know better.
judy- subway does not have any specific way to make any sub other than the meat. While a BLT stands for bacon, lettuce, and tomato the only thing required on the sandwhich is the bacon. All veggies and cheeses are customers choice. We can’t put anything a customer doesn’t ask for on a sub (because of allergies) just because it’s recommended that it goes on there.
You guys really live in the Bizarro World. Customers are supposed to state what they DO NOT want, if it comes standard with a sandwich. So if they order a BLT and don’t want the L&T, they’ll have to say that. You can’t just automatically assume that no one is gonna want L&T with a BLT. That’s not how it works…
You have no idea how smart you people sound, although I guess judy already pointed that out.
… or in other words: If a customer comes up to the register and goes “BLT”, he actually has already stated he wants tomatoes and lettuce, using your awkward logic. So in the end, you manage to be smart (dumb) in the Bizarro World, and dumb in the Real World.
Hey, at least it’ll make you feel unique!
No. You people obviously have never worked at Subway. For whatever reason, BLT does NOT mean bacon, lettuce, and tomato to Subway employees. It means bacon. We will GET IN TROUBLE if we put the damn lettuce and tomato on without a direct order to. Sorry, but we’re not Quizno’s. It is ‘recommended’ with lettuce and tomato. It’s really easy for people to sit around and talk about how irritating or stupid service workers are, when they’ve never even worked in the service industry. We can’t know how to please every individual person. So, we please our boss.
Btw, if we actually immediately made each sandwich according to ‘recommendations’ then MANY of the sandwiches would automatically be toasted. Do you have any idea how much shit we get if we toast a sandwich without asking? Yeah, a lot of shit. Definitely too much to deal with for minimum wage. So we do EXACTLY what you say. If you don’t like it, make your own sandwich.
i dont eat tomatoes, so a few of you think that they should throw them on the sub without me saying so? i dont. i still say blt because thats what its called, its a menu item they can call it whatever they want. i once laughed at a guy complaining because he called in his order during lunch rush and he showed up and it wasnt ready. he just looked at me, people dont say much to guys wearing hard hats
Yeah, I’d have to work at Subway to declare their policies inefficient and backwards. Makes a lot of sense!
I also have to admit that I only called you dumb twice to see how you would react.
And it was worth it.
I have to add the idiots who beep at the people in front of them while sitting in an obvious traffic jam. It doesn’t make the traffic move any faster.
Amen to that. Or what I hate even more, is when your sitting at a red light, and just as it turns green and you take your foot off the brake, and the jerk behind you honks. Its not like I didnt see it, I usually have my two kids in the back seat playing red light green light so I know exactly when it changes. My response, the bird. If the light has been green for less then a mere fraction of a second, dont honk. I’m moving.
Clearly the previous responder has no clue how to drive. Therefore, allow me to give you some advice:
1> always focus on your blackberry at the stoplights. The honking of horns and the movement of cars around you will be sufficient notice that the light has changed. Except when the left turn late starts to move….then you have the fun of stomping on the brakes to avoid running the red light.
2> when a person uses a turn signal, assume they are clueless and speed up so your car occupies the lane to which that person desires to turn. Turn signals are only used by folks from out of town or lost, so this is a big favor to them.
3> when it snows 20 inches (every 5 years), if your car says “suv” or “crossover”, drive 5 miles per hour faster then the speed limit. This shows your confidence in your car, and makes the other drivers feel better.
4> after it snows 20 inches, always assume every lane is cleared and use them all. Never assume that snow will pile in the lanes next to the medians or any walls. Zoom past the rest of traffic, particularly staying in the right lane. Since your car handles so well in the snow, it will be easy for you to cut everyone off when your lane disappears.
5> Even though you might have been living in the area 20 years, and you know that the right turn lane on the GW parkway is the only way to Maryland, and it’s always backed up for 5 miles, use the left lane for 4 1/2 of those miles, and act surprised when you have to stop and merge into the right lane….don;t worry about the 5 mile backup you single-handedly create in the left lane.
6> Even though the speed limit is posted at 25, and you’ve lived in the area 10 years and seen the police running speed traps twice a week, and you know the left lane is a left-turn-only lane, speed down the left lane quickly, then jerk the wheel sharply to merge into the right lane just before the turn. Be indignant when the person in front of you goes 25 mph.
7> Even though you have driven the same road 1250 times, and you know the road goes from one to two lanes at an intersection, and the sign clearly says “stay left”, and you know folks are turning from a neighborhood into the right lane, go ahead and stay right through the intersection. After all, 4 miles down the road, you might actually have to turn right.
The scary thing….folks that drive like this actually get to raise children.