It wasn't in the cards.
In a twisted outcome, a psychic was hospitalized yesterday after being scared into a heart attack by what was supposed to be a surprise birthday party.
The psychic in question, who asked to remain anonymous, had an upcoming birthday, but his wife decided to throw him a surprise party a few days in advance, to simply coincide with the weekend so all their friends could attend. Unfortunately, the psychic didn’t see this surprise coming and ended up getting scared half-to-death when everyone jumped out yelling ‘Surprise!’.
The psychic is doing well physically; however, he refuses to admit that he was caught off guard by the surprise party. He insists that the heart attack was just a result of seeing his wife jump out from behind a couch.
One of the most earth-shattering discoveries promises to provide the perfect excuse for those who have no self-control.
Scientists at the University of Florida at Tampa have discovered the fat gene, which is believed to be responsible for obesity among people who are incapable of avoiding excessive food intake. Dr. Fredric A. Tass, the lead scientist in charge of the research, said that after a lifetime of trying to figure out why he couldn’t lose weight he finally discovered the culprit: the fat gene!
“It is a very significant discovery because the ‘fat gene’ will allow some people to make peace with the fact that they are not responsible for their lack of self control when it comes to food.”
The gene is believed to usually lie dormant unless the bearer of the gene starts eating more calories than he burns, at which time the gene becomes active, preventing the afflicted person to continue gaining weight until his weight moves passed the point of no return.
This new discovery promises to make obesity more acceptable since the having the gene is akin to being subjected to forced excessive food consumption.
Bigger is better!
The ever-wise product development team of the Starbucks corporation has come up with an ingenious new offering. It is amazing that Starbucks can still come up with new and innovative offerings. You must be wondering what this new food product might be. Is it a new flavor? Is it a zero calorie drink? Is it a new type of food item altogether? Not at all. The new offering from Starbucks is a new cup size for cold drinks: the Trenta (Italian for oil tanker).
The crafty researchers of the Sarcasmist have uncovered the secret behind the name of this new cup size. Many think that the name refers to the massive 31oz capacity of the cup; however, they could not be more wrong. The real story is a bit more sinister. It turns out that the ‘oil tanker’ reference is being used to refer to the customers and their body size after consuming a few of these new Trenta sized drinks.
A Starbucks spokesperson said…
“We are very proud of this new offering. Months of research and study of focus groups went into developing this revolutionary new cup size.”
Detractors of the coffee giant insist that the only time a larger cup size is always desirable is when it refers to women’s brassieres. Rumor has it that the ‘detractors’ are hired hands of Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, a major Starbucks competitor.
Competitors of Starbucks, in an attempt to keep up with the coffee giant, are said to be looking to start serving coffee in buckets.
The Apology Channel
In light of the growing number of celebrity apologies regarding their misbehavior in matters personal and public, a new cable television channel, launching on March 1st, will be dedicated to covering public figure apologies in great detail. The coverage will include docu-dramas detailing the events that led up to the apology as well as follow-up coverage and stories about life after the apology.
“Our goal is to cover these public figure apologies in great detail, and give a balanced presentation of the story. And we won’t be limiting our coverage just to celebrities—politicians, artists, and academics (just to name a few categories) are fair game,” said the president of The Apology Channel, Fing Richards.
The TAC (The Apology Channel) is already gaining popularity through word-of-mouth about its impending launch. There is even talk of providing pay-per-view live paparazzi coverage.
Critics are vehemently against having such programming on the air, citing the growing decline of intellectually stimulating programming on U.S. television.
In response, Mr. Fing Richards said that “TAC is simply looking to provide what the public wants to see—mindless garbage that makes no difference in their or anyone else’s life. We are just exercising our First Amendment right.” He continued by saying, “If Fox News can call their programming ‘Fair and Balanced’, TAC can certainly offer mindless entertainment and claim it as intellectually stimulating.”
Addendum: I just found out that there is an actual Apology Channel, but it’s a website.
The United States Supreme Court
In a shocking decision, the United States Supreme Court has outlawed stock trading.
The decision, which was handed down this evening after days of deliberation by the Court, will outlaw stock trading for individuals (day traders), who use online services to buy and sell stocks. The court likened stock trading to gambling. In a nine-to-zero decision, the Supreme Court outdid it’s previously unexpected decision of giving free speech rights to corporations.
Critics of the decision claim that the Supreme Court’s decision will only benefit large trading corporations which charge exorbitant fees for each stock trade they transact.
The Court defended its decision to ban day trading, by citing their responsibility to keep harm from befalling to US citizenry, even if that means trampling on the rights of many to save a few morons from blowing their life savings on General Motors (GM) stock.
On the new of this decision the stocks of the major trading houses soared.
