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Top 10 Groucho Marx Quotes

Written by The Sarcasmist on March 23, 2010 - Comments (35)

Groucho Marx

10. From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

9. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

8. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

7. I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

6. I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

5. She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

4. I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

3. I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

2. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

1. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.


  1. We took pictures of the naitive girls, but they weren’t developed.

  2. Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

  3. “Baravelli, you have the brain of a 4 yr. old boy…. -And I bet he was glad to get rid of it!”

  4. (crawling on his knees with Chico)
    “Get up, -THAT’s no way to go into a speakeasy; that’s the way you come out of a speakeasy!”

  5. Groucho: “…so, you have 12 children, correct?”
    Contestant: “Yes, that’s right.”
    Groucho: “How do you account for that?”
    Contestant: “Well, I love my husband!”
    Groucho: “I love my cigar too! But I take it out once in a while…”

  6. Something like “I saw an elephant in my pajamas; how he ever got in my pajamas I’ll never know”.
    We went to a Marx Bros movie marathon in the 70’s at the Ziegfield Theatre in NY – 6 hours of movies – I swear I came out thinking I was Groucho!

  7. Groucho was my hero as a smartass kid. Anyone who can insult people so fast that they don’t realize that they’ve been insulted until he’s insulted them twice more is awesome

  8. Nope. Best I remember is “You have the brain of a four-year-old child. And I bet he was glad to get rid of it.”

  9. Groucho, where are you now that we need you?

  10. Name Required

    My Hero!

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