Revealed: Scientologists Very Stressed
Anonymous
In an unexpected revelation, a former member of the Church of Scientology has revealed that despite the highly effective Dianetics program (which starts with a stress test), Scientology members are highly stressed. This is very strange because almost all psychological and religious advice given by science fiction writers is extremely reliable, helpful, and effective.
For those who are unfamiliar with Scientology, it is the brainchild of marginally successful science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard who said that “if you want to make a lot of money, start your own religion.”
“This kind of criticism is something we are used to; however, we refuse to allow skepticism and antagonism from non-believers to get in the way of our members’ spiritual well being.” said David O. Uschberg, a Scientology representative, as he was counting cash contributions from members.
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Of course they’re stressed! To have reached a state of moral and spiritual perfection so high that nobody around you even appreciates how amazing you’ve become… How lonely it must be! Shame that everyone can’t come up with the $600,000 gate charge for heaven, but what can you do?
They aren’t trying to get to heaven…they’re trying to get the mother ship to come back & get them & take them back to their original planet….ok, so maybe they call it heaven just for kicks :)
no wonder Tom Cruise always look so wigged out!
And I thought he was just constipated from having a stick so far up his ass, (I am in noooo way saying that Tom Cruise is gay….I repeat, I am in…..awww forget it)
Tom cruse is stressed out cause he won’t come out of Stan Marsh’s closet.
oh,that… hung himself with a coat hanger.
It’s from having to keep track of all the messed up ideas that they’re really aliens… Keeping track of lies amongst truth can be very stressful.
Perhaps they have too much caffeine- like Tweak on Southpark.
YOu know if you hold on to 2 tin cans long enough you too will become calm and peaceful.
There’s a very good method to cure one of stress, I’ve done it on many occasions. I’m now passing it on to all you good scientologist folk spreadin’ the good word of Xenu. Take a sharp knife, preferably cleaverish, and slam it down hard on the testicules. It does wonders for stress.
that is very helpful advice. i told my stressed boys about this method and its working wonders. i just have one problem. this method doesn’t work for females.
Turn cleaver around, use handle, and thrust towards the general area of women.
If we need something (or someone) and some place to believe in, why not just believe in ourselves here on earth?
Surely the afterlife will wait til we get there (if there is an afterlife)? If there isn’t, then too bad too! At least we would not have wasted time and energy and fun here trying to be perfect enough to get there.
Saints have more perfected imperfections, while the Sinners just have perfect fun, being imperfect!
Heaven can wait til Hell freezes over – this life right here is the only one that interests me.
Hell has already frozen, it’s been scientifically proven that it’s endothermic. ^_^
The Jesus I know doesn’t leave me guessing if I will get into heaven. I’d rather be wrong about MY religion and still get into your “heaven” rather than be wrong about your religion and go to hell.
Hahahahaha! i love every response on here! thanks for the good laughs at someone elses expense! best kind there is!
Hey Brandi, my god sends EVERYONE to Hell. Even himself. But we mortals call it Earth, so it’s all good.
Well, if each religion preaches that those who do not believe in that particular God/deity/cheesecake go directly to hell, this means that no one is getting into heaven. Ever. On the other hand, as I said earlier, Hell has frozen over thanks to thermodynamics therefore we’re all going to be stuck in a state of limbo, unless the cheesecake deems us worthy to enter his paradise made entirely out of cheesecake.
I agree merlin. Sleep when you die. Really. :)
Mo’ money, mo’ problems.
The Great Flying Spaghetti Monster embraces all with his/her warm pasta sauce….Mmmm…pasta
Hahahaha
I knew a bunch of people that believed that in high school.
However, the Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster was eating by the Giant Flying Italian, so you are doomed…
Stressed, huh? Maybe their alien-god took a detour or got lost in outer space. It’s a HUGE universe after all. Then when the holy spaceship lands, the alien-god will demand the gas money.