10. Thank you for the bull’s eye on my forehead. 9. This money will go a long way in helping get a couple of loan sharks off my back. 8. I can finally afford to spend some time away from my family. 7. I can afford Starbucks drinks on a daily basis now. 6. I ... Read More

10. God is miffed that “Better With You” was cancelled. 9. After the end of the “Oprah” show, it’s no longer worth it anyway. 8. God is tired of finding Apple’s shenanigans with product releases and pricing 7. Jesus is sick of having his thunder stolen by Charlie Sheen. 6. Google is about to launch ... Read More

10. President Obama will resist the urge (and succeed) to use this accomplishment during his 2012 presidential campaign. 9. Terrorists across the world give up their crazy ways due to the loss of their spiritual leader. 8. Julian Assange will be out of a job since there will be no more government secrets to uncover. ... Read More

10. Help improve your knowledge of British royal etiquette. 9. Get ideas for your own wedding. 8. Enjoy some of the most popular hymns. 7. You were going to be up watching the shake-weight infomercial anyway 6. It’s your duty as an American to heckle (even if from afar) what would have been your future ... Read More

10. Reward them with sugary treats for every safe landing. 9. Conversely, zap them with electricity of varying severity depending on how great a crisis they cause. 8. Put more TVs in the control tower. There’s nothing to watch. 7. Tempt them with the promise of the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” the most hilarious ... Read More